Saturday, October 8, 2011
I guess it’s been an interesting day and that makes it alright to mention in this wannabe journal. First off, I need to say sorry in advance for the lack of regular cynical nuances and sprinkles of irony – I haven’t had a cigarette in 10 hours and I’m exactly in that mood, when even breath seems to activate the entire muscular system. I don’t think I want to quit (I certainly am not using sheer willpower to keep from inhaling that wonderful tobacco scented poison - we just ran out), mostly because it is a fact that the nicotine stimulates the brain and mine is certainly used with a lot of traffic up there. You wouldn’t want to live in my head, I tell you that – the number of reality trucks colliding with motorcycle-riding ideas is off the charts. Alas, I’m used to it and I don’t think it’s a proper time to stop feeding the beast, especially since the work on Crux is going so well. Until we receive provisions, I’ll just run in test drive mode. See how it works out…
And so far it sucks, ‘cause I actually wanted to discuss something else. Yes, discuss. I hate to do that! Every time I ask for opinions, intellectual contributions or even votes, everyone clamps their mouth and goes “I’m too busy, let someone else do it”. Oh, exaggerating, am I? Just scroll down and look for comments. At over 1000 views I have… what? 10 comments?
But I’m digressing again and God, I wish I had a cigarette ‘cause I know the idea’s worth dissecting, but without that coffin nail I just can’t get it right… At any rate, the topic for today is: chance! Well, let’s just call it risk. Well, let’s not… I’m trying to figure out a way to describe the thing that I’m speaking of in one word, but it’s pretty much impossible; there’s no term for this kind of thing, it just refers to how far are you willing to go on a sentimental hunch. How much would you risk for love or, better yet, the chance of love? No! Don’t you frown at me! This is not some emo crap, it’s just a scientific curiosity I need satisfied. Yes, I said “satisfied”, you may giggle now.
Point is: I had a dream recently. And yes, as a matter of fact, it was one of those dreams. And yet, it wasn’t! Due to unstable parameters in my “before bed” mood, caused by high levels or stress, caffeine and (the truly mourned) nicotine excess, even my wet dreams seem to dry up. To sum it up, nothing actually happened in my dream; every time I could see a patch of naked skin, some problem appeared out of nowhere, I and the lovely lady being forced to postpone. So… after about 5 times, running around in an insane environment I won’t even mention (yes, it is that disturbing… unless you consider that living in a factory and having a bloody of a bombardier WWII aircraft as a bridge between the living room and bedroom is normal), I woke up really… frustrated. Now, now, don’t jump to conclusions – I really was frustrated because the thought of me and that certain person didn’t cross my mind (that much). Anyway, I honestly didn’t think about this person in that particular way because there was no point in fucking up both our sentimental lives, which are already pretty fucked up… I know how I get when the basic idea of falling in love just flashes in front of my eyes and I decided not to go there, for the sake of my mental health and the tiny people roasting marshmallows around it every Wednesday night.
So all in all, I had no choice but to chew on this gem of a thought for an entire day. Oh, I know I don’t have the guts to actually pursue a relationship, because of my trust and commitment issues, but mostly because, while being an asshole, I’m not a douche. But I wonder what you would do and that was the main idea:
If you suddenly realized that you may have some really serious feelings for a person in your life, a friend, old or new, an old flame, a person you disliked for a long time, your boyfriend’s best friend, your best friend’s girlfriend, generally someone who is very bad for you (and vice versa) ‘cause of various reasons, would you still give that relationship a shot?
Like I said, I’m not going to do it. Poor girl’s got enough issues of her own and, as Deea recently underlined, I have the habit of attracting all the wrong girls: damaged, emotionally scared and needy. Not sure she’s one of them, but pretty sure she would be after I drive by. I want your thoughts on this one though; would you do it?
The reason why I asked that question is ‘cause I think that basically people are all the same. Following the same rules, having the same agenda, just because nature says so. I saw maybe one hundred people on Neogen (something like Facebook - if you’re not Romanian - but a lot worse) who are desperately still looking for love, even though they are 30, 40, 50 etc. They’re either incredibly stupid (which is a strong possibility), either they have enough experience to know that being with somebody is worth a shot, even if your life is almost ending and your string of lovers is a necklace of pain. I don’t know… Normally, I think that all people are evil bastards who only think of themselves, but, in person, I always give them the benefit of doubt. Many a time I discovered that apparent cunts may actually be really nice people who can act rather honourably, while honey-tongued bitches end up backstabbing you as soon as the possibility arises. What I’m saying is that maybe people aren’t so stupid… No, that’s not true, people are fucking retarded. What I’m really saying is that even though most should wear an orange vest, helmet and a safety harness, maybe nature still whispers some survival tricks in their ears and this… hope that they manifest is one of them.
Enough for now. Got a ship position to fix and cigarettes to lament about.